Family advice: My stepchild is planning a big reveal at our wedding. How do I stop it? - Slate

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My partner and I have been together for 10 years and we each have kids from prior relationships. We are getting married this winter. His youngest is 18 and last year came out to us, saying that he no longer identified as he/him but instead wanted to be referred to as they/them. We are supportive of all our kids and who they are, so we told them that, and it hasn’t ever been an issue. They have never made any changes to the way they dress, have not changed their name or hair, and they have not made any other outward changes to their appearance based on this revelation. Other family members (such as their grandparents) have not been informed of this situation yet, out of concern that it might not be taken well. Now we have a problem.

We’ve been planning this wedding for years and previously assumed that all of our kids (all born male) would be wearing suits that match the groom’s. There are no bridesmaids, so previously the only one wearing a dress up there was going to be me. Now my partner’s child has said that they’d prefer to wear a dress. We love them and we want to be supportive, but the fact that they have never demonstrated a desire to change their outward appearance in almost a year since this revelation, and are choosing our wedding as the time to come out to literally the entire family is upsetting to me. It’s supposed to be our day, not theirs, and I feel like this is going to be a huge distraction from the purpose of the event. We are paying lots of money for this wedding and I feel like this is hijacking it and turning it into their coming out party. I hate that. I feel like telling them that if this is what they want to wear, they need to come out to the rest of the family themselves ahead of time so it isn’t as big a distraction on that day, but I realize that’s forcing them to do something they might not be ready to do. But if they can’t do that, I also don’t feel right about forcing them to wear a suit. Please help me navigate this new water. I just want a happy and drama-free wedding.

—Conflicted Ally

Dear Ally,

Look, I know that main character energy is supposedly a bride’s privilege—there’s a whole industry built around it—but I always feel weird when I hear someone who’s getting married say the wedding is supposed to be “all about us.” As in only about us. (If it were only about the two people getting married, they wouldn’t invite others, would they? Or, if they did, they ought to tell them outright that they would be there only as the audience, not as an integral part of the celebration.)

I’ll take the high road and assume you don’t mean what you’ve said literally—that you recognize that all the money and effort you’ve put into planning this shindig for years is not for you and your betrothed only. You want everyone you’ve invited to be happy, to feel included, to celebrate this milestone in your life—to cry at the ceremony, and to eat, drink, dance, and otherwise be merry at the reception.

So consider this: Your 18-year-old stepchild, who trusted no one in the extended family with (what I kind of wish you wouldn’t call) their “revelation,” now feels ready to come out to everyone. The fact that they haven’t altered their style of dress since telling you they identify as nonbinary doesn’t mean they would feel comfortable wearing the same suit that their male siblings will be wearing (which I imagine would feel like a combination of hiding and lying about who they are). It doesn’t in fact mean anything. Your child does not have to wear different clothes, grow their hair long, shave their head (or beard), or in any other way change their appearance/name, or do anything else to conform to what you believe would demonstrate their gender identity. All they have to do is be.

As you have sensitively recognized, it would be wrong to demand that they wear a men’s suit (much less a matching one with a bunch of boys and men). My guess is that they do want to come out to the whole family this way—all at once, without words, and at a time when everyone will be “distracted” by the main event. They don’t want to have to call everyone, assemble a meeting, send a mass text or email, or make any other verbal announcement. Again, sensitively, you are aware that forcing them to do that would be wrong. If I were you, I’d let the child wear whatever they like (as long as, I guess, the colors are within your wedding palette). But I’m not you. If you want more control than that (and I swear I’m trying not to judge—I know how important the photos, etc., will be to you), and you also can’t get past how much you hate the idea of their wearing a dress—but you want to honor the feelings and needs of your 18-year-old child, as I think you do, why not be honest with them? Tell them you want them to be comfortable. Tell them you understand that a suit feels wrong. And work together to come up with something for them to wear that suits you (no pun intended) both—that would feel right to your child, that would accomplish what I think they might need their attire on that day to accomplish, and that doesn’t make you miserable on your big day. Loose flowing pants and a tunic in colors that match the rest of the wedding party’s suits, while still making it clear they’re not one of the groomsmen? I throw that out as a suggestion only. Both of you can bring some ideas to the table and you can talk them through. You might even offer to take them shopping.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband had a son before we married. He’s now 22. We also have an 8-year-old daughter together. My stepson and my daughter have a close bond—like, my stepson will call and talk to his dad for five minutes and his sister for 20. He’s been dating his girlfriend for two years now and she also gets along quite nicely with my daughter. My stepson and his girlfriend recently got an apartment together in a city that’s four hours away by plane. Due to a mix-up, my stepson doesn’t start work until mid-July. The current plan, which was agreed to months ahead of time, is that my stepson will come here for a few days after my daughter’s school year ends (soon), then take my daughter on the plane to his city and hang out with her there for a week, then fly her back and spend a few days with her here before he returns. We’re all set on the tickets, paperwork, etc. for this to happen. My daughter has flown before, but never without me or my husband. Up until recently, she’s been nothing but excited about this trip. But then something changed.

She’s starting to talk about how afraid she is of flying—but her fears aren’t the typical fears. She’s worried about getting lost/separated from her brother in the airport (when both she and her brother tend to be level-headed and responsible!) or getting airsick (she’s never gotten airsick), or a whole host of other unlikely or impossible things—like not liking the food (she can be a picky eater, but this plane isn’t serving food!). She tends to be a very go-with-the-flow kid, so this is a shock to all of us, including her. She’s still very excited about spending the week with her brother, and she’s aware that she’s never gotten nervous about flying before. But when we attempt to logically assuage her fears, it seems another three rise in their stead. How can we help her?

—Flustered About Flying

Dear Flying,

You can help her by not attempting to logically assuage her anxiety about the scenarios she offers, which are not what she’s really afraid of. Instead, you’ll need to address what she is afraid of (which I’m guessing is being away from her parents, though you won’t know for sure unless you find a way to help her access that fear and talk about it with you). For an 8-year-old—even one who adores her big brother and is looking forward to this special time with him—being separated from parents can be a very big deal. She didn’t clock it when this adventure was first proposed; it was too far in the future for her to imagine it. But now that it’s nearing, she is imagining it, and it’s alarming her (or so I’m imagining, as I look at this from the POV of a little girl). But keep in mind that she may not even know what it is that’s worrying her—she may “just” be feeling anxious and trying to find ways to express that to you. So listen to her. And ask questions. Reassure her. It may help if you offer to videochat with her as often as she wants to while she is away, and if she knows she can call home anytime, day or night. If none of this helps, you may want to cancel these plans (yes, I know you might have to forfeit the cost of the plane tickets). You might as well wait till the last minute for that: She may yet summon the courage to go through with this, with enough help from you. But I wouldn’t force her to go if she’s still full of anxiety the day before she’s due to leave. Doing so might well postpone the natural development of being ready to be away from you.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My adult son and I have a relationship that he seems to think is fine but which I feel is lacking in many ways. He has always been somewhat self-absorbed and has never shown any interest in my life—neither before nor after my divorce from his father 15 years ago because of drug and gambling addictions. When I moved cross-country soon after the divorce to help his sister, who had serious health issues, he was jealous—even though I contributed financially to keep him afloat while he looked for full-time work during this same period.

Five years ago, he married a wonderful woman, and two years later, he blessed me with my amazing granddaughter. His sister, my current partner, and I all live near him now, and since he and his wife work long hours at stressful jobs, I help out with their child, babysitting once a week. I recently drew up my will and decided to make my daughter my executor and called him to talk about my decision. While he kept saying, “Well, do what you want,” he was also clearly upset—he said derogatory things about his sister and demanded to know why I would choose her over him. He even went so far as to suggest that maybe I shouldn’t see my granddaughter anymore. I ended the conversation with an apology for upsetting him and have since decided to have my attorney act as my executor to avoid any future problems between my children. But now I’m not sure what to do. My son did not apologize for anything he said to me. I am hurt and confused and feel the need to clear the air, especially about his threat to cut me out of my granddaughter’s life, but I’m pretty sure he has no desire to talk about any of this again. Do I just go on with my weekly babysitting and let this all go? Do I try to address this chasm that now lies between us? Or do I step back, give up the precious time I have with my granddaughter, and see if he recognizes the hurt he has caused?

—Dazed and Confused Grandma

Dear Dazed,

Let’s work from the bottom up. Do not engage in passive-aggressive behavior to try to get your son to “recognize” that he has hurt you. Aside from the (obvious, it seems to me) chance that he will fully shut you out of his—and thus his daughter’s—life if you do that, this is no way for adults to behave. And sweeping things under the rug in the interests of keeping the (unsatisfying) peace would be a good way to make sure your relationship with your son never gets any better.

Talk to him. But before you do, consider having a little talk with yourself. From what you’ve said (and haven’t said) here, I don’t have a sense of the whole picture. You say your son has never shown any interest in you. Do you mean as an adult he wasn’t interested in listening to you talk about what was going on in your life, work, etc.? (But your also-adult daughter was?) That would be irritating for sure, and it wouldn’t surprise me if you felt closer to your daughter as a result. But if you mean that as a child or teenager, he seemed “self-absorbed,” expressing no interest in you, while expecting you to care about his troubles, joys, and everyday ups and downs, I’d say that your expectations are the cause of his emotional estrangement from you—and that your moving cross-country after your divorce (even to help his very ill sister) was the penultimate straw that broke the camel’s back: the very last straw was what seemed to him your choosing (once again) his sister over him. Understanding this—if this is indeed the case; if what you perceived as his self-absorption dates back to before his adulthood—is crucial. As is owning it—recognizing your part in the strained relationship between the two of you—and telling him you own it.

But even if the scenario I propose above is absolutely wrong—even if, as far as you can tell, you were a good mother to your son throughout his childhood and he just grew up to be a jerk—the only way to have a productive conversation with him now is to approach it with a wider, deeper view than that of this most recent incident. In other words, when I say “talk to him,” I do not mean simply opening the issue of executorship again. I mean addressing all that happened before that, asking him how he felt over the years, and exploring that together. It won’t be an easy conversation, but that doesn’t mean you should shy away from it. Try not to be defensive or dismissive: If he tells you it was painful to him when you moved far away to be with his sister after you divorced his father, don’t respond with, “But I gave you money!” Try, “Yes, I can see that this must have been hard. I am so sorry. It seemed to me that was where I was needed most—but looking back I wish I could have been in both places at once.”

For the record, I will note that naming just one of two children the executor of one’s estate is asking for trouble in most families. And that your son should not have had to “demand” to know why you’d chosen her when you called to tell him that you had. Leading with, “I am naming your sister as the executor because she’s an attorney/a financial planner/some other thing that makes her a good candidate for this essentially administrative task that is a pain in the ass, which I know is not your strong suit, nor something you enjoy, as a poet/dreamer beloved son who, let’s face it, isn’t great with managing money/bureaucracy” is the only way to do this right.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My son will be in second grade next year. Our elementary school is small and there are only two classes for every grade level. In kindergarten, he had a classmate “Theresa,” who bullied him and also other kids. It was very hard to get help from teachers and the administration about this because Theresa is mildly autistic and is part of the special needs program. But name-calling, hitting, and making up mean stories have nothing to do with autism. For first grade, I was able to get a promise that my son and Theresa would be in separate classrooms. My son has thrived and made friends and did great this year. He still saw Theresa at lunch and recess, and she was still mean to him, but it sounds like he had friends around him to make it easier, and his first grade teacher intervened much more firmly than they did in kindergarten. Now that the school year is over, I made a request to keep them separated next year. The principal said she would not promise anything, and that enough time had passed that she didn’t see it as an issue. From parent gossip, I’ve learned that other parents have also tried to separate their kids from Theresa, which is probably why I’m getting pushback. I’m so frustrated. My son cried multiple times a week in kindergarten, and it took a lot of effort to bring him back from hating school last year to successfully making friends and enjoying activities this year. What do I do?

—Don’t Break What’s Working!

Dear Don’t Break,

First: I’m not sure you’re the best judge of what does and does not “have to do” with autism. Second: I implore you to step back a bit and try to see the big picture. Multiple parents are begging the school to keep Theresa, a child, isolated from their children. Whatever the root causes of this child’s behavior, she is troubled and in pain. What is it you would have the principal do? Keep Theresa in a room of her own? Keep her only among children whose parents haven’t noticed that she’s struggling and lashing out?

I’m not suggesting I don’t understand your focus on keeping your child safe and happy. But when the issue is another child the same age—yes, even when that other child is “mean”—your wish for your child’s happiness shouldn’t come at the other child’s expense. That would be a cruelty much greater than Theresa’s. Unlike her, you’re a full-grown adult who should know better.

Besides: A second grader isn’t a kindergartener. Naturally, you should continue to be attentive to how he’s feeling as the new school year begins. But keep in mind that he will be much better equipped this coming year to handle Theresa’s behavior toward him (as he exhibited at lunch and recess in first grade) and that the second grade teacher will be better prepared—because there’s now two years’ worth of information—for possible problems that may require a teacher’s intervention. And it’s not so terrible for your child to learn strategies for dealing with people he finds difficult or even painful to be around (he will be having to do this his whole life, as we all do)—in fact, schooling at this age isn’t only about learning language arts and math and science (etc.) skills; it’s also about learning social and interpersonal skills of all kinds. And then there are the lessons you will be teaching him: about resilience, inclusion, empathy, and not running away from problems.

—Michelle

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